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Between the shoddy stats (I want to see proof that 55% of the black men in Chicago have felony records), the strange criteria (ie: The assumption that a black man who has dated white women before wouldn’t be interested in black women), and the latent message that every single black woman is, in fact, flawless and completely relationship-worthy, there’s much to hate about the “Where Are All The Good Single Black Men?” infographic posted at Loveawake earlier this month.

This set of meandering statistics fails at one of the first things any preschool math teacher will tell you. It’s understandable if you’re not sure if 27+27 equals 44 or 54, but you definitely should be certain that the answer isn’t 167,000. Basically, if your answer is completely off-base — and the conclusion of there being three eligible black men to every 100 eligible women is completely off-base — then your methodology sucks.

But, with all that being said, there was a question asked. And, I wouldn’t be much of a crime-fighter if I didn’t attempt to answer it. I don’t know exactly where every missing goodsingleblackman happens to be at the moment, but I can make a few educated guesses.

At the barbershop, waiting for the barber to just cut his damn hair and stop talking about how Lebron’s new shoes are the handmaidens of the Illuminati 

While we all look forward to going to the shop, between your barber pausing your cut so he can run across the street to play the lottery, you waiting for him while he barters with Joe Crackhead and tries to get him to accept a trade of a pack of socks, a steak, and a set of drills for $1.79 (and succeeds!), and the ubiquitous (but hilarious) arguments with other barbers in the shop, I’d say that the average black man spends approximately 85% more time there than he plans to.

Any woman looking for the missing good black man just needs to stick her head inside of Raheem’s Cutz, and she’ll probably find anywhere from 7 to 37 of them hiding out in there, silently steaming while reading old issues of Hunting Illustrated, The Final Call, and Black Tail

Hiding from uber-aggressive white women

This isn’t suggesting that all (or even most) white women are aggressive when pursuing men. This isn’t even suggesting that all (or even most) white women interested in black men are overtly lascivious. But, the few who happen to be aggressive tend to be extreme with their aggression. Basically, if the typical white woman is a non-orthodox muslim, these broads are the coital Al-Qaeda, and they’ll stop at nothing until we’re all dead. (And by “we’re all dead” I mean “we agree to a truck party“)

Good black men know this, and most will try to hide at the one place where these Lisa Lampanelli’s will never be: Tyler Perry movie premieres.

At some gym or wherever the hell they go to do chest exercises

As Lady Champ pointed out to me last week, it seems like every young professional black man has the same mental checklist.

Get a well-paying job? Check

Buy a nice car? Check

Join a gym, and start doing bench-presses, push-ups, dips, and whatever else is necessarily to reverse the pec atrophy caused by sitting at a computer screen 14 hours a day everyday for 10 years and ensure that my chest starts to puff out of my dress shirts? Check 

Seriously, there are so many “FedEx diesel” — “FedEx” because that shit happens overnight — accountants, lawyers, Verizon salesmen, and taxidermists walking around nowadays that it sometimes feels like I’m on the set of one of those contrived plotline pornos; you know, one of those flicks with a title like “Teacher’s P*ssy Pet” where Wesley Pipes is cast as an unassuming school principal and rocking a suit and some prison-issue bifocals on the DVD cover. It’s like grad schools have begun passing out Creatine coupons whenever they grant MBA’s.

It’s easy to spot them, too. Just look for the black guy with the college ring, the Audi, and Dwight Howard’s chest on top of Kate Moss’ legs.

Since this is true, I’d advise anyone looking for a good, single, black man to try Bally’s. But, be advised that even if you do find him there, you’ll probably have to wait until he’s completed his 56th set of incline bench presses before he talks to you.

Looking for their missing testosterone

If studies such as the one recently published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences have any truth to them, there’s a correlation between pretty much every “domestic” activity involving men (fatherhood, monogamy, marriage, etc) and decreased testosterone. And, if the long-held theory that black women are disproportionately attracted to hyper-heterosexual men has any truth to it, it stands to reason that while the high-testosterone, anti-monogamy men (the “bad” ones) are cleaning up, the safe, low-testosterone, pro-monogamy men (the “good” ones) are striking out.

Now, I don’t know exactly where one would find some spare testosterone. (GMC? The Greyhound station? A whale’s vagina?) But, wherever that place happens to be, I bet you’ll also find a gaggle of goodsingleblackmen huddled around a makeshift flame, shivering and ready to trade anything — their shoes, their watches, their anal virginity — for another vial of testes juice.

Anyway, falks, that’s it for me today. Can you think of any other places where one could possibly find these missing good single black men?